Tuesday, October 1, 2013

[Review] Amityville 4: The Evil Escapes

A group of priests enter the infamous Amityville house with intentions of finally exorcising the demons once and for all. They hold out their crucifixes in defiance, sprinkle their holy water everywhere, and command the evil to depart. Surprisingly, all of the supernatural activity seems to come to a sudden halt and the priests are all "Hells yeah, the power of Christ compelled these bitches! lolz" (I may be paraphrasing). However, little do they know, one of them pesky demon-folk didn't quite depart, but rather hid away in a floor lamp.

Yes, a floor lamp.

Soon after, a yard sale is held on the property where the mischievous lamp is put up for sale. But don't worry, no one is stupid enough to actually buy something from a crazy demon-house yard sale, let alone a hideous lamp that clearly looks evil...right? Enter two hip old broads who very eloquently claim that "At our age, things aren't as important as fun!" (I'm not paraphrasing) and decide to buy the lamp as a gag gift. She then ships it off to California where it begins to torment her sister and her family.

It could be a bit of an exaggeration to call Amityville 4 an awesome horror movie, but I just can't help myself...this movie is really fucking awesome. I don't understand how it turned out to be so entertaining. I don't even understand how it exists in the first place, considering  that the previous film ended with the house exploding. No, seriously, it exploded.

Patty Duke plays Nancy, a recently widowed mother of three who reluctantly moves in with her overbearing mother while having financial and emotional struggles. When her mother receives the possessed floor lamp from her sister and proudly displays it out in her living room, everyone treats it as a creepy eyesore--except for Nancy's youngest daughter, who seems hypnotically drawn to it because she thinks the lamp is actually her dead father.

No, my child. That's a floor lamp.

Feeling more like a supernatural slasher rather than a typical haunted house story, there's plenty to be entertained by here. With the demonic activity continuing in full force, animals are roasted, people are killed, and the little girl becomes more and more of a creepy little jerk who even gets a little knife happy at one point. There's also a surprisingly bloody moment involving a kitchen appliance and an absolutely hilarious scene involving a runaway chainsaw that makes the whole of the film worthwhile.

Despite its entertainment value, Amityville 4 will certainly not appeal to everyone. It's quite obviously meant to be a scary movie, but as I'm sure you can tell by now, it fails to deliver in that regard, and fails miserably. With an overabundance of golden girls that have the acting chops of the women you see in those late-night life insurance commercials, there's just something very campy about it all. In fact, if all of the women in this movie were replaced with drag queens, I don't think anyone would have even noticed.

Possessed floor lamp or Madball?

Written for the small screen by Sandor Stern, who penned the original film's screenplay, Amityville 4: The Evil Escapes is a surprisingly decent movie that is far better than it has any right to be. It may not be scary and may be right for all the wrong reasons, but it's pure entertainment that can't be missed. I mean, how could you turn down a film about a possessed floor lamp? A POSSESSED FLOOR LAMP, I SAYS.


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